Make the truth worth the trouble.

Imagine, in a conversation, you have been asked about something you know the other person won't like. Let's say it's something the other person doesn't know you did. For each part of the question I'm about to ask, picture yourself in the situation and think of how you would feel, and what your first thought is.

The question is, when are you most likely to admit a mistake: when you're afraid of the other person? What about when you respect the  person you're talking to? How about in a situation where you feel respected by the other person, and you respect them in turn?

Most people are more likely to hide the truth if they're afraid. It's natural to want to protect yourself from negative consequences, regardless of whether you feel you did anything wrong.

In fact, if that other person is already angry, and you're afraid of their reaction, the last thing a sane person would do is say something that would make them turn their anger on you.

When you respect the other person, you're more likely to tell them the truth. You feel a certain level of trust in their self control, their sound judgment, and their ability to handle what you might say. It might be painful to admit something, but you have a sense that being dishonest would cost you more with this person than telling the truth, even if you lose some status in their eyes.

When you share mutual respect, you have no reason not to tell the other person the truth, because you know they won't judge you for what you did wrong. You won't feel shamed, because you know that they accept you for who you are. And if there's a problem, they'll try to help you solve it, learn from it, and move past it. You know before you tell them that you're already forgiven, and you know that whatever they tell you, you've already forgiven them. Both of you look for solutions, or just listen to and understand each other.


If you want to know the truth,  you have to make it the lowest-cost response.

Next time you need to know something from someone you love, keep this in mind. Just observe how the two of you interact: how do you sound? What expression is on  the other person's face? What do they say, and what is the message underneath it? Most important: how do you react? With respect, trust and mutual problem solving?

Teach gratitude!

The simplest way to feel abundance and fulfillment is gratitude. Think of all the old sayings like, "count your blessings," or "stop and smell the roses,"  the point is the same. We're happier with what we have when we're thankful for it. Noticing the good in life makes it mean more.

I've always liked that Thanksgiving comes before Christmas. Thanksgiving is a time to look over the year and all that's occurred and give thanks for the good, be it, health, success for ourselves or others, or our families and friends, we all have so much to be glad for in our lives, no matter what's gone wrong. Giving thanks for the good comes first, and after that we give and receive those lovely gifts to celebrate end of a year of each others' love and friendship. Whether you're religious or not, there's so much value in thankfulness and giving.

 Our ancestors who competed to fill basic needs probably survived because they had that instinct to grab what they wanted, regardless of what anyone else got. But we don't need to do that anymore. We can survive without grabbing everything we see.  We have to learn not to let that greedy instinct win over. We all know that feeling like we don't have enough makes us insecure and unhappy. We have to be taught to be happy with what we have. It's a skill, just like learning how to open a bottle. When you know how to stop and give thanks for what you have, you'll find you're happier with your life.

You can grow your sense of abundance in life by discussing everyday events with your partner, friends or family members to highlight the good. Talk about the good things that have happened. Ask them, what are they happy for? Think of the humbler things: a warm comfy bed, a good dinner, with breakfast on its way in the morning. Tell them the humble things you're grateful for. This way you're making the sharing of thankfulness a daily part of life. You will begin to look at your day for examples of things to be grateful for.

That's the real secret to a sense of abundance. You don't need a lot to be happy, you just need to appreciate what you have. And those who learn this lesson will be able to draw strength from it throughout their lives.

How to listen so you will be heard

Listening is one of the most important skills--without it, we'd have a hard time learning any of the others. We're born to pay attention: a certain degree of listening and attention is natural. We can't help wanting to listen, to hear things, to understand them. It's our job to build on this, to foster our own focus, and that of others.

There's nothing we value more in our close relationships than knowing the other person has heard us, cares what we have to say, and knows and cares what our wants and needs are--even if they can't fill them.

When people feel listened to, they are more likely to listen attentively in return. You can actually teach others to listen to you by the way you listen to them. Human beings are natural mimics, of course. We learn by imitating others, whether it's a new language, a new sport, or a new way of conversing. When people feel respected and know their opinions and ideas count, they naturally feel more inclined toward you, more respectful of your opinions and ideas. They pick up your listening habits and pass them on.

But how are your listening skills? You can't teach what you don't know, so let's check the definition of "active listening" -- a tool for letting your loved ones know you hear them, and a skill they can learn, to let you know they hear you, too.

When you're actively listening, you give the other person your full attention. No wandering eyes, no loss of focus. When the other person is talking, don't be so caught up in thinking of your response that you don't actually hear what is being said. Don't assume you already know what they're going to say. Even if you do.
Give the other person cues that you are listening: nod your head, acknowledge their points, make eye contact (but don't stare).

Listening and not allowing yourself to be distracted gives your partner and friends the message that they are important to you, that their needs and wants are understood and considered. Your relationship deepens simply because you have heard them. Modeling active listening helps your loved ones listen respectfully too.

Fighting fair

Learning how to fight safely is a real challenge for many couples. Regardless of whether you're the kind of person who loves a good fight to clear the air, or who hates fighting and clams up, or somewhere in between, it's important to work toward resolving disagreements so that you're both comfortable with the outcome.

Couples counselors often say that they can tell which marriages will survive, not by whether the parties fight, but by how they fight. This is pretty much true of any relationship. What constitutes a "good" fight, as opposed to one that's helping to tear the relationship apart? The first, most important thing isn't what you choose to fight about. It isn't even when or where you choose to fight. It's even more basic: how do you treat each other when you're mad? Do you give yourselves permission to go out of control, say things you don't mean? Drag up the past? Condemn the other person? Threaten them? Label them?

We've all done at least some of these things in the past, but I bet if you think about how it feels on the receiving end you'll agree with me that the more we can avoid this kind of fighting, the happier you'll both be.

Some people believe that the other person's behavior excuses their own. The script goes like this: he started it. She asked for it. He made me yell, I don't have a choice. I'm just being honest. I have a right to blow up. I shouldn't be held responsible for what I say and do when I'm angry.

If someone treats you without respect for any reason, what are the chances you'll stick around? And if you stay, what does that say about your own self respect?

It's never too late to do better, and the sooner you start, the better things will get. Start first with remembering the last fight you had. Be honest with yourself, about your role in it and the other person's. What "triggered" the fight? How did each of you behave? What could you have done better? What did each of you do right? How did you leave things?

Learning to fight fair isn't about winning, because when one person wins, the other loses. You don't want to make your partner a loser. You want to find a solution that both of you can accept. And the best way to do that is to acknowledge each other's feelings, sort through them together, and negotiate. You won't get everything you want, and neither will your partner. The goal is to turn the energy of your anger toward solving the problem -- together.

Love Exercise Number 2.

We all know, and believe that communication is the key to a good relationship, but how much do we really talk to our loved ones? Not just our spouses or significant others, but to our kids, our parents, our friends? This next love exercise can be adapted to any close relationship. It's simple in structure, but that doesn't mean it's always going to be easy to do. Like exercise 1, it works better the more often you do it, and it's best to begin doing it regularly, so you stay in the habit.

All you have to do is sit together, facing each other. Each partner takes a turn talking for five minutes about whatever comes to mind, while the other listens and says nothing. The listening partner may nod or give other indications that they are listening to what is being said, and should maintain eye contact as much as possible while their partner is speaking. Don't think about what you're going to say, just listen. Then take your turn.

For the quieter partner, five minutes can be a very long time to speak, and for the more outgoing one, five minutes can be a very long time to listen. So it's a good idea to have a clock around.

Of course there will be times when the "speaking" partner may be silent. That's ok. Let the clock run out. They may have more to say! Or there may be times when the speaker wants/needs to keep talking. I'd recommend as much as possible, to stop anyway, let the other partner share, then if needed continue with a conversation once the exercise is done. Remember, this exercise is not just about talking, it's about hearing each other. It's about being listened to, and listening, with both ears, to what is on your partner's mind.

The most important exercise you can learn

It's not hard to do, and you can do this one anywhere, any time. It will help you physically and psychologically. It can even help others near you, because just by watching you do it, they can feel calmer, more relaxed and more open minded. This exercise can be done by anyone who is awake, regardless of health, mental state or wellbeing. And it's going to make whatever comes next so much easier. It's an ancient technique, nearly every culture has a version of it, and ours has several sayings that will help you remember to do it.

It goes by many names, and comes in several styles. What am I talking about? Deep breathing. Counting to ten. Deep relaxation. Body check. Taking a moment. Cleansing breath.

The basics are easy: try to get into a comfortable position, close your eyes, and slowly inhale from your belly to the tops of your lungs, then slowly breathe out. Even one will help you. As your eyes are closed notice how your body feels. Any pains, stresses, tension?

Breathe in again, and as you breathe out, imagine that tension or pain rushing out with your exhalation. When you inhale again, try to fill your lungs completly, then pause briefly before you slowly exhale. Just as you notice your body state, you notice your feelings and thoughts. Don't try not to think, don't try to pursue your thoughts or feelings, just acknowledge them, and let them drift out as you exhale again. You can do a few cycles at this stage, relaxing each part of your body as you inhale, then exhale any tension, pain, discomfort.

Inhale again, and think of something you've done that you are proud of, or a moment that made you happy. Hold that feeling as you breathe out slowly. he longer you continue to relax, the more you can do with this exercise, but the important thing is to give it a try, every day, and especially when you feel stressed or nervous, or physically in pain.

Love exercises

Exercise 1. the look of love

This is a simple exercise you can do with anyone to help build intimacy. Sitting together, gaze into each other's eyes for about five minutes. Don't talk or try to make the other person react. Just sit quietly, keeping eye contact, and let your mind go where it will. What are your feelings toward the other person...do you think about something they have done that you like or are proud of...just gaze at them. Notice the emotion in their eyes, the set of their face. Try to keep eye contact the whole time. It only takes a few minutes, but when your time is up, talk together about what you felt and thought about when you were looking at each other. It's ok to just give each other a hug. It also helps to write down your experiences in your journals.

The purpose of this exercise is to help you to really see each other, of course, but it also puts aside all the worries and work of the day and allows you to interact without words getting in the way. Studies have shown that this kind of contact increases feelings of intimacy and caring. By allowing yourselves to see each other without defenses helps to share your vulnerability with each other, which increases trust.

Even if you only do this once a week, it's worth the effort to feel this connected.