Teach gratitude!

The simplest way to feel abundance and fulfillment is gratitude. Think of all the old sayings like, "count your blessings," or "stop and smell the roses,"  the point is the same. We're happier with what we have when we're thankful for it. Noticing the good in life makes it mean more.

I've always liked that Thanksgiving comes before Christmas. Thanksgiving is a time to look over the year and all that's occurred and give thanks for the good, be it, health, success for ourselves or others, or our families and friends, we all have so much to be glad for in our lives, no matter what's gone wrong. Giving thanks for the good comes first, and after that we give and receive those lovely gifts to celebrate end of a year of each others' love and friendship. Whether you're religious or not, there's so much value in thankfulness and giving.

 Our ancestors who competed to fill basic needs probably survived because they had that instinct to grab what they wanted, regardless of what anyone else got. But we don't need to do that anymore. We can survive without grabbing everything we see.  We have to learn not to let that greedy instinct win over. We all know that feeling like we don't have enough makes us insecure and unhappy. We have to be taught to be happy with what we have. It's a skill, just like learning how to open a bottle. When you know how to stop and give thanks for what you have, you'll find you're happier with your life.

You can grow your sense of abundance in life by discussing everyday events with your partner, friends or family members to highlight the good. Talk about the good things that have happened. Ask them, what are they happy for? Think of the humbler things: a warm comfy bed, a good dinner, with breakfast on its way in the morning. Tell them the humble things you're grateful for. This way you're making the sharing of thankfulness a daily part of life. You will begin to look at your day for examples of things to be grateful for.

That's the real secret to a sense of abundance. You don't need a lot to be happy, you just need to appreciate what you have. And those who learn this lesson will be able to draw strength from it throughout their lives.

How to listen so you will be heard

Listening is one of the most important skills--without it, we'd have a hard time learning any of the others. We're born to pay attention: a certain degree of listening and attention is natural. We can't help wanting to listen, to hear things, to understand them. It's our job to build on this, to foster our own focus, and that of others.

There's nothing we value more in our close relationships than knowing the other person has heard us, cares what we have to say, and knows and cares what our wants and needs are--even if they can't fill them.

When people feel listened to, they are more likely to listen attentively in return. You can actually teach others to listen to you by the way you listen to them. Human beings are natural mimics, of course. We learn by imitating others, whether it's a new language, a new sport, or a new way of conversing. When people feel respected and know their opinions and ideas count, they naturally feel more inclined toward you, more respectful of your opinions and ideas. They pick up your listening habits and pass them on.

But how are your listening skills? You can't teach what you don't know, so let's check the definition of "active listening" -- a tool for letting your loved ones know you hear them, and a skill they can learn, to let you know they hear you, too.

When you're actively listening, you give the other person your full attention. No wandering eyes, no loss of focus. When the other person is talking, don't be so caught up in thinking of your response that you don't actually hear what is being said. Don't assume you already know what they're going to say. Even if you do.
Give the other person cues that you are listening: nod your head, acknowledge their points, make eye contact (but don't stare).

Listening and not allowing yourself to be distracted gives your partner and friends the message that they are important to you, that their needs and wants are understood and considered. Your relationship deepens simply because you have heard them. Modeling active listening helps your loved ones listen respectfully too.

Fighting fair

Learning how to fight safely is a real challenge for many couples. Regardless of whether you're the kind of person who loves a good fight to clear the air, or who hates fighting and clams up, or somewhere in between, it's important to work toward resolving disagreements so that you're both comfortable with the outcome.

Couples counselors often say that they can tell which marriages will survive, not by whether the parties fight, but by how they fight. This is pretty much true of any relationship. What constitutes a "good" fight, as opposed to one that's helping to tear the relationship apart? The first, most important thing isn't what you choose to fight about. It isn't even when or where you choose to fight. It's even more basic: how do you treat each other when you're mad? Do you give yourselves permission to go out of control, say things you don't mean? Drag up the past? Condemn the other person? Threaten them? Label them?

We've all done at least some of these things in the past, but I bet if you think about how it feels on the receiving end you'll agree with me that the more we can avoid this kind of fighting, the happier you'll both be.

Some people believe that the other person's behavior excuses their own. The script goes like this: he started it. She asked for it. He made me yell, I don't have a choice. I'm just being honest. I have a right to blow up. I shouldn't be held responsible for what I say and do when I'm angry.

If someone treats you without respect for any reason, what are the chances you'll stick around? And if you stay, what does that say about your own self respect?

It's never too late to do better, and the sooner you start, the better things will get. Start first with remembering the last fight you had. Be honest with yourself, about your role in it and the other person's. What "triggered" the fight? How did each of you behave? What could you have done better? What did each of you do right? How did you leave things?

Learning to fight fair isn't about winning, because when one person wins, the other loses. You don't want to make your partner a loser. You want to find a solution that both of you can accept. And the best way to do that is to acknowledge each other's feelings, sort through them together, and negotiate. You won't get everything you want, and neither will your partner. The goal is to turn the energy of your anger toward solving the problem -- together.

Love Exercise Number 2.

We all know, and believe that communication is the key to a good relationship, but how much do we really talk to our loved ones? Not just our spouses or significant others, but to our kids, our parents, our friends? This next love exercise can be adapted to any close relationship. It's simple in structure, but that doesn't mean it's always going to be easy to do. Like exercise 1, it works better the more often you do it, and it's best to begin doing it regularly, so you stay in the habit.

All you have to do is sit together, facing each other. Each partner takes a turn talking for five minutes about whatever comes to mind, while the other listens and says nothing. The listening partner may nod or give other indications that they are listening to what is being said, and should maintain eye contact as much as possible while their partner is speaking. Don't think about what you're going to say, just listen. Then take your turn.

For the quieter partner, five minutes can be a very long time to speak, and for the more outgoing one, five minutes can be a very long time to listen. So it's a good idea to have a clock around.

Of course there will be times when the "speaking" partner may be silent. That's ok. Let the clock run out. They may have more to say! Or there may be times when the speaker wants/needs to keep talking. I'd recommend as much as possible, to stop anyway, let the other partner share, then if needed continue with a conversation once the exercise is done. Remember, this exercise is not just about talking, it's about hearing each other. It's about being listened to, and listening, with both ears, to what is on your partner's mind.

The most important exercise you can learn

It's not hard to do, and you can do this one anywhere, any time. It will help you physically and psychologically. It can even help others near you, because just by watching you do it, they can feel calmer, more relaxed and more open minded. This exercise can be done by anyone who is awake, regardless of health, mental state or wellbeing. And it's going to make whatever comes next so much easier. It's an ancient technique, nearly every culture has a version of it, and ours has several sayings that will help you remember to do it.

It goes by many names, and comes in several styles. What am I talking about? Deep breathing. Counting to ten. Deep relaxation. Body check. Taking a moment. Cleansing breath.

The basics are easy: try to get into a comfortable position, close your eyes, and slowly inhale from your belly to the tops of your lungs, then slowly breathe out. Even one will help you. As your eyes are closed notice how your body feels. Any pains, stresses, tension?

Breathe in again, and as you breathe out, imagine that tension or pain rushing out with your exhalation. When you inhale again, try to fill your lungs completly, then pause briefly before you slowly exhale. Just as you notice your body state, you notice your feelings and thoughts. Don't try not to think, don't try to pursue your thoughts or feelings, just acknowledge them, and let them drift out as you exhale again. You can do a few cycles at this stage, relaxing each part of your body as you inhale, then exhale any tension, pain, discomfort.

Inhale again, and think of something you've done that you are proud of, or a moment that made you happy. Hold that feeling as you breathe out slowly. he longer you continue to relax, the more you can do with this exercise, but the important thing is to give it a try, every day, and especially when you feel stressed or nervous, or physically in pain.

Love exercises

Exercise 1. the look of love

This is a simple exercise you can do with anyone to help build intimacy. Sitting together, gaze into each other's eyes for about five minutes. Don't talk or try to make the other person react. Just sit quietly, keeping eye contact, and let your mind go where it will. What are your feelings toward the other person...do you think about something they have done that you like or are proud of...just gaze at them. Notice the emotion in their eyes, the set of their face. Try to keep eye contact the whole time. It only takes a few minutes, but when your time is up, talk together about what you felt and thought about when you were looking at each other. It's ok to just give each other a hug. It also helps to write down your experiences in your journals.

The purpose of this exercise is to help you to really see each other, of course, but it also puts aside all the worries and work of the day and allows you to interact without words getting in the way. Studies have shown that this kind of contact increases feelings of intimacy and caring. By allowing yourselves to see each other without defenses helps to share your vulnerability with each other, which increases trust.

Even if you only do this once a week, it's worth the effort to feel this connected.

What makes a relationship work

Long ago, a friend and I went for a long hike in the mountains. It was fall, and the leaves were gorgeous, but I was a little afraid of the changeable weather, so we stopped and bought a couple of ponchos. I also picked up a pocket knife, not really sure why I thought I'd need it. My friend got a free trail map, and we set off. We checked the scale and decided on our route, based on the number of miles and the hours till sunset.

I noticed, about halfway through the hike, that we didn't seem as far along as the map made it appear. Also, the sky seemed to be growing dark, as if there were a storm coming up. But when we got to a clearing at the top of the last hill, we realized we were wrong. The darkness was the setting sun! It was only 430 pm, but we had driven so far north that in this part of the country it was already evening. We tried to scramble as fast as we could out of the forest, but got stuck in utter darkness at the last mile. We literally couldn't see the trail, or the trees, or each other.

Unfortunately, now the wind picked up, and it started to rain. I laid one poncho down on what I guessed was the trail and we lay on it, drawing the other one over us and snapping them to each other, but it was still so cold our teeth were chattering, so I jumped up and cut some leafy branches and layered them over the top poncho. That helped.

As the night wore on it grew colder and colder, dropping to near freezing. The rain began to sound like gravel tossed into the trees. We could feel the little trickle of rain water growing to an icy puddle under us, but there was no way to move in the pitch darkness.

We took turns being scared and comforting each other, wondering if we would end up with pneumonia, if anyone knew we were missing, if anyone would come to help us. We promised to call each others folks if anything happened to one of us. When my friend started to give up , I cheered him on, and him me. We knew there were bears in the area, and that as the temperature continued to drop, we faced a good chance of hypothermia, but we tried not to talk or think about the things we couldn't help. He kept apologizing for buying the wrong map, not planning better, not thinking ahead. I apologized for not realizing we needed a contour map, for forgetting that hiking up and down hills slows us down, for not thinking about the latitude. We took turns forgiving each other too. Then one of us would get scared again, and the other would begin comforting them.

We reminded each other to check for feeling in our hands and feet, and we fantasized about the enormous breakfast we were going to eat once we got out of this freezing wet predicament. When his feet got too cold I lent him one of my wool socks and we switched from foot to foot as each one warmed up. We were freezing cold, thirsty, soaked and muddy at the first gray peek of predawn, but we were ok. We grabbed our filthy ponchos and ran as fast as we could toward the end of the trail. We got to the trailhead at about 530 AM, jumped into his car, laughing at how scared we'd been. We hadn't eaten since the morning before, so we drove to the first diner we could find, and ate everything on the menu. I don't think anyone really noticed how filthy and wet we were, not even us. It was such a relief to be in civilization again, that just knowing we'd soon be getting hot showers and warm clean clothes was all we needed.

I often remember that weekend, when I'm facing a difficult period with a friend, family member, or my partner, because I learned something important that night. No matter how much you and your partner prepare for what lies ahead, there will be mistakes, and rocky times. You'll take turns in despair and hope, and as long as you keep each other focused on where you're going, the sun really does come up, maybe not as soon as you hope, but you're going to make it. And you're going to learn how to face the next crisis better prepared, and with a new respect for your partner-- and for the plain old normal days that follow.