Learning how to fight safely is a real challenge for many couples. Regardless of whether you're the kind of person who loves a good fight to clear the air, or who hates fighting and clams up, or somewhere in between, it's important to work toward resolving disagreements so that you're both comfortable with the outcome.
Couples counselors often say that they can tell which marriages will survive, not by whether the parties fight, but by how they fight. This is pretty much true of any relationship. What constitutes a "good" fight, as opposed to one that's helping to tear the relationship apart? The first, most important thing isn't what you choose to fight about. It isn't even when or where you choose to fight. It's even more basic: how do you treat each other when you're mad? Do you give yourselves permission to go out of control, say things you don't mean? Drag up the past? Condemn the other person? Threaten them? Label them?
We've all done at least some of these things in the past, but I bet if you think about how it feels on the receiving end you'll agree with me that the more we can avoid this kind of fighting, the happier you'll both be.
Some people believe that the other person's behavior excuses their own. The script goes like this: he started it. She asked for it. He made me yell, I don't have a choice. I'm just being honest. I have a right to blow up. I shouldn't be held responsible for what I say and do when I'm angry.
If someone treats you without respect for any reason, what are the chances you'll stick around? And if you stay, what does that say about your own self respect?
It's never too late to do better, and the sooner you start, the better things will get. Start first with remembering the last fight you had. Be honest with yourself, about your role in it and the other person's. What "triggered" the fight? How did each of you behave? What could you have done better? What did each of you do right? How did you leave things?
Learning to fight fair isn't about winning, because when one person wins, the other loses. You don't want to make your partner a loser. You want to find a solution that both of you can accept. And the best way to do that is to acknowledge each other's feelings, sort through them together, and negotiate. You won't get everything you want, and neither will your partner. The goal is to turn the energy of your anger toward solving the problem -- together.
