Learning how to fight safely is a real challenge for many couples. Regardless of whether you're the kind of person who loves a good fight to clear the air, or who hates fighting and clams up, or somewhere in between, it's important to work toward resolving disagreements so that you're both comfortable with the outcome.
Couples counselors often say that they can tell which marriages will survive, not by whether the parties fight, but by how they fight. This is pretty much true of any relationship. What constitutes a "good" fight, as opposed to one that's helping to tear the relationship apart? The first, most important thing isn't what you choose to fight about. It isn't even when or where you choose to fight. It's even more basic: how do you treat each other when you're mad? Do you give yourselves permission to go out of control, say things you don't mean? Drag up the past? Condemn the other person? Threaten them? Label them?
We've all done at least some of these things in the past, but I bet if you think about how it feels on the receiving end you'll agree with me that the more we can avoid this kind of fighting, the happier you'll both be.
Some people believe that the other person's behavior excuses their own. The script goes like this: he started it. She asked for it. He made me yell, I don't have a choice. I'm just being honest. I have a right to blow up. I shouldn't be held responsible for what I say and do when I'm angry.
If someone treats you without respect for any reason, what are the chances you'll stick around? And if you stay, what does that say about your own self respect?
It's never too late to do better, and the sooner you start, the better things will get. Start first with remembering the last fight you had. Be honest with yourself, about your role in it and the other person's. What "triggered" the fight? How did each of you behave? What could you have done better? What did each of you do right? How did you leave things?
Learning to fight fair isn't about winning, because when one person wins, the other loses. You don't want to make your partner a loser. You want to find a solution that both of you can accept. And the best way to do that is to acknowledge each other's feelings, sort through them together, and negotiate. You won't get everything you want, and neither will your partner. The goal is to turn the energy of your anger toward solving the problem -- together.
Monday
Love Exercise Number 2.
We all know, and believe that communication is the key to a good relationship, but how much do we really talk to our loved ones? Not just our spouses or significant others, but to our kids, our parents, our friends? This next love exercise can be adapted to any close relationship. It's simple in structure, but that doesn't mean it's always going to be easy to do. Like exercise 1, it works better the more often you do it, and it's best to begin doing it regularly, so you stay in the habit.
All you have to do is sit together, facing each other. Each partner takes a turn talking for five minutes about whatever comes to mind, while the other listens and says nothing. The listening partner may nod or give other indications that they are listening to what is being said, and should maintain eye contact as much as possible while their partner is speaking. Don't think about what you're going to say, just listen. Then take your turn.
For the quieter partner, five minutes can be a very long time to speak, and for the more outgoing one, five minutes can be a very long time to listen. So it's a good idea to have a clock around.
Of course there will be times when the "speaking" partner may be silent. That's ok. Let the clock run out. They may have more to say! Or there may be times when the speaker wants/needs to keep talking. I'd recommend as much as possible, to stop anyway, let the other partner share, then if needed continue with a conversation once the exercise is done. Remember, this exercise is not just about talking, it's about hearing each other. It's about being listened to, and listening, with both ears, to what is on your partner's mind.
All you have to do is sit together, facing each other. Each partner takes a turn talking for five minutes about whatever comes to mind, while the other listens and says nothing. The listening partner may nod or give other indications that they are listening to what is being said, and should maintain eye contact as much as possible while their partner is speaking. Don't think about what you're going to say, just listen. Then take your turn.
For the quieter partner, five minutes can be a very long time to speak, and for the more outgoing one, five minutes can be a very long time to listen. So it's a good idea to have a clock around.
Of course there will be times when the "speaking" partner may be silent. That's ok. Let the clock run out. They may have more to say! Or there may be times when the speaker wants/needs to keep talking. I'd recommend as much as possible, to stop anyway, let the other partner share, then if needed continue with a conversation once the exercise is done. Remember, this exercise is not just about talking, it's about hearing each other. It's about being listened to, and listening, with both ears, to what is on your partner's mind.
Friday
The most important exercise you can learn
It's not hard to do, and you can do this one anywhere, any time. It will help you physically and psychologically. It can even help others near you, because just by watching you do it, they can feel calmer, more relaxed and more open minded. This exercise can be done by anyone who is awake, regardless of health, mental state or wellbeing. And it's going to make whatever comes next so much easier. It's an ancient technique, nearly every culture has a version of it, and ours has several sayings that will help you remember to do it.
It goes by many names, and comes in several styles. What am I talking about? Deep breathing. Counting to ten. Deep relaxation. Body check. Taking a moment. Cleansing breath.
The basics are easy: try to get into a comfortable position, close your eyes, and slowly inhale from your belly to the tops of your lungs, then slowly breathe out. Even one will help you. As your eyes are closed notice how your body feels. Any pains, stresses, tension?
Breathe in again, and as you breathe out, imagine that tension or pain rushing out with your exhalation. When you inhale again, try to fill your lungs completly, then pause briefly before you slowly exhale. Just as you notice your body state, you notice your feelings and thoughts. Don't try not to think, don't try to pursue your thoughts or feelings, just acknowledge them, and let them drift out as you exhale again. You can do a few cycles at this stage, relaxing each part of your body as you inhale, then exhale any tension, pain, discomfort.
Inhale again, and think of something you've done that you are proud of, or a moment that made you happy. Hold that feeling as you breathe out slowly. he longer you continue to relax, the more you can do with this exercise, but the important thing is to give it a try, every day, and especially when you feel stressed or nervous, or physically in pain.
It goes by many names, and comes in several styles. What am I talking about? Deep breathing. Counting to ten. Deep relaxation. Body check. Taking a moment. Cleansing breath.
The basics are easy: try to get into a comfortable position, close your eyes, and slowly inhale from your belly to the tops of your lungs, then slowly breathe out. Even one will help you. As your eyes are closed notice how your body feels. Any pains, stresses, tension?
Breathe in again, and as you breathe out, imagine that tension or pain rushing out with your exhalation. When you inhale again, try to fill your lungs completly, then pause briefly before you slowly exhale. Just as you notice your body state, you notice your feelings and thoughts. Don't try not to think, don't try to pursue your thoughts or feelings, just acknowledge them, and let them drift out as you exhale again. You can do a few cycles at this stage, relaxing each part of your body as you inhale, then exhale any tension, pain, discomfort.
Inhale again, and think of something you've done that you are proud of, or a moment that made you happy. Hold that feeling as you breathe out slowly. he longer you continue to relax, the more you can do with this exercise, but the important thing is to give it a try, every day, and especially when you feel stressed or nervous, or physically in pain.
Thursday
Love exercises
Exercise 1. the look of love
This is a simple exercise you can do with anyone to help build intimacy. Sitting together, gaze into each other's eyes for about five minutes. Don't talk or try to make the other person react. Just sit quietly, keeping eye contact, and let your mind go where it will. What are your feelings toward the other person...do you think about something they have done that you like or are proud of...just gaze at them. Notice the emotion in their eyes, the set of their face. Try to keep eye contact the whole time. It only takes a few minutes, but when your time is up, talk together about what you felt and thought about when you were looking at each other. It's ok to just give each other a hug. It also helps to write down your experiences in your journals.
The purpose of this exercise is to help you to really see each other, of course, but it also puts aside all the worries and work of the day and allows you to interact without words getting in the way. Studies have shown that this kind of contact increases feelings of intimacy and caring. By allowing yourselves to see each other without defenses helps to share your vulnerability with each other, which increases trust.
Even if you only do this once a week, it's worth the effort to feel this connected.
This is a simple exercise you can do with anyone to help build intimacy. Sitting together, gaze into each other's eyes for about five minutes. Don't talk or try to make the other person react. Just sit quietly, keeping eye contact, and let your mind go where it will. What are your feelings toward the other person...do you think about something they have done that you like or are proud of...just gaze at them. Notice the emotion in their eyes, the set of their face. Try to keep eye contact the whole time. It only takes a few minutes, but when your time is up, talk together about what you felt and thought about when you were looking at each other. It's ok to just give each other a hug. It also helps to write down your experiences in your journals.
The purpose of this exercise is to help you to really see each other, of course, but it also puts aside all the worries and work of the day and allows you to interact without words getting in the way. Studies have shown that this kind of contact increases feelings of intimacy and caring. By allowing yourselves to see each other without defenses helps to share your vulnerability with each other, which increases trust.
Even if you only do this once a week, it's worth the effort to feel this connected.
Monday
What makes a relationship work
Long ago, a friend and I went for a long hike in the mountains. It was fall, and the leaves were gorgeous, but I was a little afraid of the changeable weather, so we stopped and bought a couple of ponchos. I also picked up a pocket knife, not really sure why I thought I'd need it. My friend got a free trail map, and we set off. We checked the scale and decided on our route, based on the number of miles and the hours till sunset.
I noticed, about halfway through the hike, that we didn't seem as far along as the map made it appear. Also, the sky seemed to be growing dark, as if there were a storm coming up. But when we got to a clearing at the top of the last hill, we realized we were wrong. The darkness was the setting sun! It was only 430 pm, but we had driven so far north that in this part of the country it was already evening. We tried to scramble as fast as we could out of the forest, but got stuck in utter darkness at the last mile. We literally couldn't see the trail, or the trees, or each other.
Unfortunately, now the wind picked up, and it started to rain. I laid one poncho down on what I guessed was the trail and we lay on it, drawing the other one over us and snapping them to each other, but it was still so cold our teeth were chattering, so I jumped up and cut some leafy branches and layered them over the top poncho. That helped.
As the night wore on it grew colder and colder, dropping to near freezing. The rain began to sound like gravel tossed into the trees. We could feel the little trickle of rain water growing to an icy puddle under us, but there was no way to move in the pitch darkness.
We took turns being scared and comforting each other, wondering if we would end up with pneumonia, if anyone knew we were missing, if anyone would come to help us. We promised to call each others folks if anything happened to one of us. When my friend started to give up , I cheered him on, and him me. We knew there were bears in the area, and that as the temperature continued to drop, we faced a good chance of hypothermia, but we tried not to talk or think about the things we couldn't help. He kept apologizing for buying the wrong map, not planning better, not thinking ahead. I apologized for not realizing we needed a contour map, for forgetting that hiking up and down hills slows us down, for not thinking about the latitude. We took turns forgiving each other too. Then one of us would get scared again, and the other would begin comforting them.
We reminded each other to check for feeling in our hands and feet, and we fantasized about the enormous breakfast we were going to eat once we got out of this freezing wet predicament. When his feet got too cold I lent him one of my wool socks and we switched from foot to foot as each one warmed up. We were freezing cold, thirsty, soaked and muddy at the first gray peek of predawn, but we were ok. We grabbed our filthy ponchos and ran as fast as we could toward the end of the trail. We got to the trailhead at about 530 AM, jumped into his car, laughing at how scared we'd been. We hadn't eaten since the morning before, so we drove to the first diner we could find, and ate everything on the menu. I don't think anyone really noticed how filthy and wet we were, not even us. It was such a relief to be in civilization again, that just knowing we'd soon be getting hot showers and warm clean clothes was all we needed.
I often remember that weekend, when I'm facing a difficult period with a friend, family member, or my partner, because I learned something important that night. No matter how much you and your partner prepare for what lies ahead, there will be mistakes, and rocky times. You'll take turns in despair and hope, and as long as you keep each other focused on where you're going, the sun really does come up, maybe not as soon as you hope, but you're going to make it. And you're going to learn how to face the next crisis better prepared, and with a new respect for your partner-- and for the plain old normal days that follow.
I noticed, about halfway through the hike, that we didn't seem as far along as the map made it appear. Also, the sky seemed to be growing dark, as if there were a storm coming up. But when we got to a clearing at the top of the last hill, we realized we were wrong. The darkness was the setting sun! It was only 430 pm, but we had driven so far north that in this part of the country it was already evening. We tried to scramble as fast as we could out of the forest, but got stuck in utter darkness at the last mile. We literally couldn't see the trail, or the trees, or each other.
Unfortunately, now the wind picked up, and it started to rain. I laid one poncho down on what I guessed was the trail and we lay on it, drawing the other one over us and snapping them to each other, but it was still so cold our teeth were chattering, so I jumped up and cut some leafy branches and layered them over the top poncho. That helped.
As the night wore on it grew colder and colder, dropping to near freezing. The rain began to sound like gravel tossed into the trees. We could feel the little trickle of rain water growing to an icy puddle under us, but there was no way to move in the pitch darkness.
We took turns being scared and comforting each other, wondering if we would end up with pneumonia, if anyone knew we were missing, if anyone would come to help us. We promised to call each others folks if anything happened to one of us. When my friend started to give up , I cheered him on, and him me. We knew there were bears in the area, and that as the temperature continued to drop, we faced a good chance of hypothermia, but we tried not to talk or think about the things we couldn't help. He kept apologizing for buying the wrong map, not planning better, not thinking ahead. I apologized for not realizing we needed a contour map, for forgetting that hiking up and down hills slows us down, for not thinking about the latitude. We took turns forgiving each other too. Then one of us would get scared again, and the other would begin comforting them.
We reminded each other to check for feeling in our hands and feet, and we fantasized about the enormous breakfast we were going to eat once we got out of this freezing wet predicament. When his feet got too cold I lent him one of my wool socks and we switched from foot to foot as each one warmed up. We were freezing cold, thirsty, soaked and muddy at the first gray peek of predawn, but we were ok. We grabbed our filthy ponchos and ran as fast as we could toward the end of the trail. We got to the trailhead at about 530 AM, jumped into his car, laughing at how scared we'd been. We hadn't eaten since the morning before, so we drove to the first diner we could find, and ate everything on the menu. I don't think anyone really noticed how filthy and wet we were, not even us. It was such a relief to be in civilization again, that just knowing we'd soon be getting hot showers and warm clean clothes was all we needed.
I often remember that weekend, when I'm facing a difficult period with a friend, family member, or my partner, because I learned something important that night. No matter how much you and your partner prepare for what lies ahead, there will be mistakes, and rocky times. You'll take turns in despair and hope, and as long as you keep each other focused on where you're going, the sun really does come up, maybe not as soon as you hope, but you're going to make it. And you're going to learn how to face the next crisis better prepared, and with a new respect for your partner-- and for the plain old normal days that follow.
Dishonesty corrodes every relationship it touches.
This thought came into my head on the way to work today. I was thinking about a friend who had been dishonest with me once in a while, mostly by omission. I didn't realize this was going on at first, and then, when I would find out about a little lie, for example, I asked him if he smoked, and he said no. Later I ran into him on the street with a cigarette in his hand. Who cares, right? He had so many other good qualities I look for in a friend. He was one of those people who always make you feel confident and strong: a booster when you're making a personal or career move, the kind of guy who would pay the bill at dinner just because it made him feel good to be generous. I had no problem introducing him to my circle of friends, who took to him as much as I had.
Over time as we got to know each other better, more important things came to light: he'd cheated on his wife (but, he explained, he was really separated from her, even though they were living in the same house when the events occurred). He'd lied on his resume to get his first job. He'd lied to his fiancee about wanting to have children. There was always a good reason. He was a good friend, I thought, helpful and kind. Other friends liked him a lot, too. They of course, didn't know he was dishonest. He seemed very much the opposite, the kind of guy you would trust to be there for you when things went wrong. He was there when you needed support, he'd help you move, bring food over when you were sick, he won his fiancee's family over during a family funeral, including making sure everyone was fed and the out of town relatives had a place to stay, even helping find a funeral home and burial plot. He was their rock during that difficult time.
Great guy, right? This is what I told myself whenever I had doubts. I was so busy trying to believe my own excuses for his occasional bouts of dishonesty, that when my pain medication started disappearing, I honestly believed it was someone else in our circle. I asked him directly at one point and he denied it.
"Of course not, if I needed one, I'd ask you first," he said. So I started hiding them around the house when friends came over, counting them religiously every night, worrying that I myself was taking them when I didn't need them and just not remembering. I even started keeping a tally on the pill bottle. Then one day I caught him with his hands in the drawer where I had hidden them. "What are you doing?!" I asked him. "Nothing," he said and left the room in a rush. I counted the pills and sure enough, two were missing. I confronted him about it, and we had a bit of an argument. He admitted he was taking them "recreationally." Even though he knows I have herniated disks that cause me a great deal of pain, and knows that my doctor could cut me off if it looks like I'm taking too many. To this day he's never given me a believable reason why he thought taking them was ok, especially after I'd asked him the first time.
He's since apologized, and said that was a "wake up call" for him. I don't know if I can get over that experience. It still makes me angry to think of it. At one point I was afraid it was my son, who was a teenager at the time, or one of his friends taking them. Thank God I never asked. Just imagine what that would have done to the trust relationship between my son and me.
Is it worse I wonder, that he let me distrust not just all my other friends, but my son, or is it worse that he made me question and distrust myself? And all because this so called friend wanted to have a momentary rush of euphoria when no one was looking. I believe people can change for the better, but I'd be crazy to assume he really has.
When we evaluate our friendships, and our role in them, we often let our emotions color our judgement. It's important not only to be honest yourself, but to require honesty from those you love. How can you have a real relationship with someone you don't know? And how can you know someone if you're not sure they're telling the truth? And finally, how can we be loved if we're wearing the mask of dishonesty? No one can know and accept you if you can't be truthful.
Over time as we got to know each other better, more important things came to light: he'd cheated on his wife (but, he explained, he was really separated from her, even though they were living in the same house when the events occurred). He'd lied on his resume to get his first job. He'd lied to his fiancee about wanting to have children. There was always a good reason. He was a good friend, I thought, helpful and kind. Other friends liked him a lot, too. They of course, didn't know he was dishonest. He seemed very much the opposite, the kind of guy you would trust to be there for you when things went wrong. He was there when you needed support, he'd help you move, bring food over when you were sick, he won his fiancee's family over during a family funeral, including making sure everyone was fed and the out of town relatives had a place to stay, even helping find a funeral home and burial plot. He was their rock during that difficult time.
Great guy, right? This is what I told myself whenever I had doubts. I was so busy trying to believe my own excuses for his occasional bouts of dishonesty, that when my pain medication started disappearing, I honestly believed it was someone else in our circle. I asked him directly at one point and he denied it.
"Of course not, if I needed one, I'd ask you first," he said. So I started hiding them around the house when friends came over, counting them religiously every night, worrying that I myself was taking them when I didn't need them and just not remembering. I even started keeping a tally on the pill bottle. Then one day I caught him with his hands in the drawer where I had hidden them. "What are you doing?!" I asked him. "Nothing," he said and left the room in a rush. I counted the pills and sure enough, two were missing. I confronted him about it, and we had a bit of an argument. He admitted he was taking them "recreationally." Even though he knows I have herniated disks that cause me a great deal of pain, and knows that my doctor could cut me off if it looks like I'm taking too many. To this day he's never given me a believable reason why he thought taking them was ok, especially after I'd asked him the first time.
He's since apologized, and said that was a "wake up call" for him. I don't know if I can get over that experience. It still makes me angry to think of it. At one point I was afraid it was my son, who was a teenager at the time, or one of his friends taking them. Thank God I never asked. Just imagine what that would have done to the trust relationship between my son and me.
Is it worse I wonder, that he let me distrust not just all my other friends, but my son, or is it worse that he made me question and distrust myself? And all because this so called friend wanted to have a momentary rush of euphoria when no one was looking. I believe people can change for the better, but I'd be crazy to assume he really has.
When we evaluate our friendships, and our role in them, we often let our emotions color our judgement. It's important not only to be honest yourself, but to require honesty from those you love. How can you have a real relationship with someone you don't know? And how can you know someone if you're not sure they're telling the truth? And finally, how can we be loved if we're wearing the mask of dishonesty? No one can know and accept you if you can't be truthful.
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