How to listen so you will be heard

Listening is one of the most important skills--without it, we'd have a hard time learning any of the others. We're born to pay attention: a certain degree of listening and attention is natural. We can't help wanting to listen, to hear things, to understand them. It's our job to build on this, to foster our own focus, and that of others.

There's nothing we value more in our close relationships than knowing the other person has heard us, cares what we have to say, and knows and cares what our wants and needs are--even if they can't fill them.

When people feel listened to, they are more likely to listen attentively in return. You can actually teach others to listen to you by the way you listen to them. Human beings are natural mimics, of course. We learn by imitating others, whether it's a new language, a new sport, or a new way of conversing. When people feel respected and know their opinions and ideas count, they naturally feel more inclined toward you, more respectful of your opinions and ideas. They pick up your listening habits and pass them on.

But how are your listening skills? You can't teach what you don't know, so let's check the definition of "active listening" -- a tool for letting your loved ones know you hear them, and a skill they can learn, to let you know they hear you, too.

When you're actively listening, you give the other person your full attention. No wandering eyes, no loss of focus. When the other person is talking, don't be so caught up in thinking of your response that you don't actually hear what is being said. Don't assume you already know what they're going to say. Even if you do.
Give the other person cues that you are listening: nod your head, acknowledge their points, make eye contact (but don't stare).

Listening and not allowing yourself to be distracted gives your partner and friends the message that they are important to you, that their needs and wants are understood and considered. Your relationship deepens simply because you have heard them. Modeling active listening helps your loved ones listen respectfully too.